if you didn’t know, one of my teammates and i tested positive for covid arriving into Costa Rica and would not be going with our squad to Nicaragua. we quarantined for a week and retested expectant to be leaving the next day. later in the day of being tested, i had a negative test result while the other girl was positive. meaning that we both would stay in costa rica up to 2 more weeks. i broke. for a hour and a half after the news, i sat and cried. i voiced my feelings to God. i told Him how angry i was at Him. i expressed my doubts and questions, and i begged for Him to see me. i watched the people drive by in front of me and couples walk past and i felt like i could so easily tell them how God does so much good for them and how He really sees them. yet, i couldn’t tell myself that. i tried to not let the human, sinful thoughts come through, such as how God doesn’t really care about me or how He doesn’t make ways for me but i instead have to handle everything myself. but those thoughts were all that i could think. i felt no control. i saw no way possible way for me to fix this. i felt totally unnoticed and ignored.
my squad leader came to comfort me and she reminded me how when we say yes for God to use us, it comes with some things we also don’t want to do. saying yes to God is so easily seen as something glamorized and only fills you with joy. but it doesn’t. saying yes opens you to new spiritual warfare. after my leader left me, i had a heart check and repented to God for how i first responded. for letting my emotions consume the fore front of my mind instead of relying on my faith. and i told God, that i did indeed say yes to Him and i am not stopping now. i surrendered and weakened myself to Him. not even 10 minutes later, my squad leader sat down beside me and said that i will be able to leave costa rica, and join the rest of my squad in nicaragua in only 2 days. i had tears fill my eyes, not because i got to see my team again or that a problem was solved, but because i realized that God had seen me. sure, he answered my prayer of getting to do ministry in Nicaragua, but what meant the most is that He answered my prayer about wanting to be seen. He spoke to me in that moment. for the first time, in a really, really long time, i felt seen by God. the truth is, He didn’t have to do anything to prove to me that i am seen by Him. yet, He was gracious enough to do so. i’m crying as i write this because of how good He is. i spoke to him in anger and he still showed me love.
i realized my whole purpose for me being there. that whole week where i spent my time confused and frustrated, i was being tested. everything up to this trip has worked out so smoothly and God wanted to see if i would still say yes if something didn’t go right. my yes to God was being tested. God has a powerful plan in the works. i feel it happening. it’s scary. it’s new. but so accelerating.
God sees you, i promise. i say that with full confidence. it may not feel like it right now. it may feel so draining and exhausting at this moment. but don’t give up on Him. He may not show that He sees you in the same way He did with me. i think that’s a huge reason for why i sometimes don’t feel seen by God. i compare what He’s done for other people to my situation. but if you limit Him to how He works in your life, you’ll miss out on some incredible events.
to be honest, this post is mainly for me to look back on. to remind the future me that i am seen and that we have to constantly surrender ourselves to Him again and again and again. this is something i’m learning to get better at.
